My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
