Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
