You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
