like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
