Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
