I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just found puke in my bra..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
