3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
