i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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