his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
