Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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