Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
