saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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