So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
