I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
