Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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