I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
