you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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