Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
