.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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