i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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