why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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