Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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