Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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