My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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