I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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