So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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