so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
