Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
