I faked an abortion last night.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
