you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
