mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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