god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
