just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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