I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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