when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
