This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
