Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
