my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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