Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
