I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
