i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
