i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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