I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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