I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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