I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have post one night stand depression
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