Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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