but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
