Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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