just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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