I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
