remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
