I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
